Tuesday, May 30, 2006

They could still kick my ascot...

It is probably a bad idea to post this, as it will come back to Swift Boat my ass sometime later in life when I run for the goddam school board secretary or somthing. (Also because most of the people I am about to mock could totally kick my ass.) I really don't harbor any particular bad feelings toward the Navy, but does anyone else feel that it is time for them to update their basic sailor uniform?

I'm not a combat kinda guy, so maybe I am missing the point, but I thought that military uniforms were either supposed to help you in battle or convey some sort of badass ceremonial authority or something. I mean, those ads for the Marines on TV with the swords and all, they are kind of intimidating, right? (They certainly made me not want to join the the few or the proud, which has got to be a plus for them.) And the Army camos and Air Force flight suits have a pretty clear function. But what's going on over in the Navy? Is all the white because we are waging massive sea battles on polar bears and penguins or something? Do the hats and scarves perform some maritime function that I just don't understand? Maybe that's why naval warfare is conducted with long range missles and massive guns - everyone is too sheepish about their clothes to fight up close.

Anyway, unless the idea is to distract the enemy with immobilzing fits of laughter, they really need to not wear things called either 'jumpers' or 'neckerchiefs.' Walking home from work today, I saw a Navy guy in full uniform and had to concentrate so hard on not laughing I tripped over the absurdly well-groomed fox terrier that is constantly being paraded around Dupont Circle. Though his even more absurdly well-groomed owner was terribly upset, I think the little guy was just excited to see someone out that looked more ridiulous than he did.

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Monday, May 22, 2006

Today in Sweetness

Quite a day for sweetness, today. First of all, we have this sweet headline from The Washington Post via Wonkette:

If 'elections' are really truly the strategy here, we are in for one craaaazy election season. I mean, hold onto your seats. This is some cutting edge politiking here, folks.

Second of all, we have this sweet quote from a GOP operative: "If [Pelosi's] not the speaker, then conceptually I think we've turned this thing around..."

Did this guy just equate winning with not losing the House? Of course, you have to set aside your absolute lack of confidence in Pelosi as this all sinks in...

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Monday, May 15, 2006

Today in False Hope

Our dearest Wonkette is mercilessly cruel today, teasing us with this tempting headline.

As magically delicious as a soul-patched Dubya would be, it all turns out to be a cold-hearted ruse.

That got us thinking though... Could there be any better way for Team Bush to turn around their flagging poll numbers? To help you visualize what this country really needs, The Scourge has come up with this artist's representation of the power such a soul patch could have.


Hmmm... Maybe a porn 'stache, too?

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Today in Lame, Somewhat Offensive Puns


Even a good pun wouldn't make your opinion any better.

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The democratization of the television


I don't watch a lot of TV, but I've been saying for a while now that the way programming is currently paid for is going to come crashing down. Hard. The fall will almost certainly follow an epic legal struggle between networks and viewers, much like ongoing war between the RIAA and music downloaders. I'm sure YouTube, Google, and iTunes will all be involved (will the cable news coverage of that be facinating or what?), but in the mean time, the Sunday Times gives up some details (via Free Press) of the coming war.

Back when there were 12 channels you had to get up to change, your standard 30 second commercial was fine. The audience was pretty much captive - the only way to avoid advertising was to leave the room. But the remote control and hundreds of channels led to channel surfing, and when VCRs went mass market, network execs were shocked, just shocked, at the idea that viewers might skip the commercials and just watch the show. (Of course, there were also those premium channels, and everyone had a friend or two whose parents got HBO or Showtime - what ever happened to Cinemax? - that provided R-rated commercial free bliss for just dollars a month.) DVRs and Tivo made bailing on commercials even easier, but now Royal Phillips Electronics has filed a patent application for a new TV/DVR combo that essentially forces viewers to watch commercials:
...the patent application revealed that the proposed design would uphold the right to avoid commercials, but only for those who paid a fee. Those disinclined to pay would be prevented from changing channels during commercials [and] the new, improved [DVR] would detect when a commercial segment was being displayed and disable the fast-forward button...
I have a feeling that most Americans would consider this a direct assault on their Constitutional rights. Besides the IRS, I'll bet the FCC is the most loathed agency in the US government. Seriously, you don't fuck with television in this country.

Really though, an end to the ad-sponsored model of television programming would not be the worst thing in the world. With technology allowing content to cater more and more closely to viewers' actual interests, it might just be exactly what an industry that hasn't had a new idea since the reality show needs.

The FCC recently found that allowing cable subscribers to pick channels a la carte would actually cost them less, on average. When you think of how many channels you just don't watch, it is amazing that the cable industry has been able to prevent this from happening for so long. Unsurprisingly, the FCC found numerous flaws in previous industry reports saying that a la carte was unworkable and would cost consumers more anyway. The popularity of HBO's edgy, uncensored series like Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, and Sex in the City shows that people are willing to pay for quality programming if it interests them. The fact that the shows are ad free is a bonus. With the ubiquity of On Demand-style purchasing, why not take this model even further?

Imagine turning on your TV to find a navigation screen similar to what that of digital cable services. You can surf around, see what's on, and if something piques your interest, you can buy it for a buck or two. The show would be stored on a hard drive in you set, and pricing levels would vary according to popularity, length, and other factors (maybe reruns would be half price!). Time slots would disappear, ratings would move from the arcane Nielsen system (that no one quite understands) to one based purely on the number of people who buy the show. You could even imagine new channels springing up offering the kind of DIY production you currently find on YouTube and other sites.

I could see Google getting into the game by creating a searchable online listing, allowing you to buy and watch anything, anytime, with a few clicks. Aren't there times when you are just dying to see a certain episode of MacGyver, or maybe to run through the first season of Transformers? The copyright holders would get revenue from shows that aren't currently bringing in the a lot of ad money, Google would take a cut, and the viewer is able buy and watch pretty much anything ever aired. Not a bad deal.

The networks, of course, would oppose this all the way. By putting a price on each program, I would guess overall viewing would decrease. Since channel surfing would be difficult, sitting mindlessly zoned out in front of the tube would not really be an option. Television would be a much more deliberate act, like going to the movies, or at least renting one. Then there are the advertisers, who would be forced to find another way to market their products. Any startup that tried to implement this model would have to gain access to the telecom network, which might not be a simple task.

But it seems to me that this is the next step in the democratization of information and entertainment. Demand for such freedom is clear from the current direction of the internet (think myspace, YouTube, Flickr, and other sites where users define content). Television is just the next logical step.

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Friday, May 12, 2006

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

From today's NYT piece about crazy new cocktails the kids are in to...
The pair are currently perfecting two new drinks, a "dirty" martini and a carbonated mojito "espherication." For the martini, they blend olive juice, vermouth and gin with xanthan gum and calcium chloride and drop it into a sodium alginate and water solution to form stable olive-shaped blobs. It is served as a lone olive in an empty glass; it reverts to a liquid state when popped into the mouth. The mojito is made with rum, lime and mint and shaped into a sphere through the same process, then carbonated in a pressurized container filled with carbon dioxide to mimic the bubbly mouth-feel of a real mojito.
Anyone else actually want liquid when they order a drink? Now, if they sold these little orbs of booze in vending machines or something, I might be into it...

UPDATE: Waiter agrees:
"I remember reading an article about avant garde bartenders making drinks into edible cocktails – pastes, beads, and candies that transform back to liquid in your mouth. Ugh. Give me whisky any day."

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Someone to fuck with besides Jim Graham?

When I lived in Mass., I always felt a little cheated that my senators and representatives voted the way I wanted them to like 98% of the time. I mean, what good is democracy if you can't fire an incendiary email off to a soul-less politician every few days?

Then I got to DC, and my rep in Congress couldn't even cast good votes. Not that I don't take great pleasure in bitching to communicating with my DC councilmember about important stuff like Metro service, rent control, and stop signs... But c'mon.

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Saturday, May 06, 2006

Knitta, please...stop.

I'm not gonna claim to be any kind of authority on graffiti or urban art, but c'mon...a bunch of hipster white chicks with knitting needles and a website does not urban art make.

I've got nothing against the whole knitting meme, and have even gotten a few really sweet scarves out of it. But really, this is just stupid.

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Reneg

So I realize that not 3 hours ago, I was railing on the press for their fixation on what is essentially a result of basic economics. But I might be having a change of heart...yes, already. I mean, with all the articles about gas prices, the material is just endless...

In response to the cost of oil, President Bush was just begging Congress for the authority to adjust fuel-efficiency standards for autos last week. Love to do it, he says, but he needs him some congressional authority. Shucks. His staff even sent Anne Applebaum at the Post the particular part of the U.S. Code (Title 49, Subtitle VI, Part C, Chapter 329 if you are keeping track), which shows that the administration needs congressional approval to require that cars get more than 27.5 miles per gallon.

What I don't understand is, if he thinks it is so important to raise standards, why let Congress or the law get in his way? Or were the other 750 laws he broke somehow different?

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Stop it. Now.

We all know that high gas prices suck. No one likes paying more for anything - ever - and especially not when they deem it a necessity. But honestly, I am already sick of the absurd glut of human interest pieces being foisted on me by EVERY SINGLE G.D. NEWSPAPER IN THE WORLD! None of you are innocent, reporters and columnists all! I know you all have some gas-prices sob-story half written on your stupid little notepads! Do yourself a favor and throw them away right now. That shit is just not news.

As a matter of fact, I am also sick of ALL the reporting on gas prices that I have to wade through every day. Editors, do you really think anyone is interested in reading the same "Expensive Gas is Crummy and Getting Crummier" headline 9 times a week, and then flipping to a page full of know-it-all smarmy columnists writing about how if only, oh if only, people owned sweet hybrids like them, everything would be cool? It's like I'm watching MTV circa 1994, except Beavis and Butthead have been replaced by Dan Froomkin and Tom effing Friedman.

DF: Huh-huh. Like, paying for expensive shit blows. Huh-huh.
TF: Yeah. We need, like, a solution! Heh-heh.
DF: Shut up, asswipe! Huh-huh. People, like, can't buy other stuff. That suuuucks!
TF: The earth is flat, dumbass! Yeah! Kickass! Heh-heh
DF: Huh-huh. You don't know what the hell you are talking about. Huh-huh.
TF: Hey Froomkin, you're a wus! Heh-heh. Read my book! Yeah! Kickass!

Lame.

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