! BREAKING NEWS ! McClellan's Replacement To Be Announced

The Scourge has learned through several sources close to the White House that President Bush has chosen a stack of smooth rocks to replace Scott McClellan as press secretary. McClellan resigned today after nearly three years as White House Press Secretary. He replaced the controversial Ari Fleischer in 2003, and was widely respected for saying less than Mr. Fleischer without ever actually lying. The rocks beat out other candidates such as Fox News anchor Tony Snow and former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. The President is expected to appear at a news conference later today to announce the appointment. Sources have indicated that there is great support for the rocks among west wing staffers. "The press corps is getting way out of control, and a stack of rocks is the perfect choice to put them back in line," said one senior staffer who asked to remain anonymous. A slingshot was observed sticking out of his briefcase. The press corps was divided in their response to the announcement. Some, like NBC's David Gregory were excited to get to know the rocks. "Though Scott and I always had a working relationship, he became increasingly difficult to deal with over the last few months," Gregory said. "I really think a stack of rocks is going to be more forthcoming with information, and less evasive. It will make all of our jobs a lot less frustrating. Others in the press corps were less optimistic. Matt Cooper of Time felt that a stack of rocks was too far outside of Bush's inner circle to be of much use. "Rocks might be easier to work with than Scott, but they don't have that insight into the president's mind that made him so special," he said. Cooper worries that leaked information, both good and bad, will be harder to come by with a stack of rocks at the podium.